Ok, so like every other thing I have attempted to decide to do- I failed at blogging as well, again. I really wish… fuck this- no more wishing, or sucking… I really need to change things up. I need to fix me up and move the fuck on with my life.
I am a broken human.
I have a lot of hurt inside me.
I have a lot of anger inside me.
I find forgiveness without understanding difficult.
I will mend
I will move past the hurt
I will release or appease the anger
I will forgive myself first- then try to forgive others
I am going to settle down, with both feet and mind- here with him, not half way out the door, scared to be hurt again if I relax and not watch everything. I am going to relax. I decided to stay. I decided to believe he could be different. I probably should have just ended it then- the moment I found out for sure, but I didn’t. So I am here now, and I am going to have to sleep in the bed I made.
He cheated on me and I knew it in my heart, I had seen the instant messages, seen them deleted or closed so quickly, watched him be shifty and aggressive over his very important privacy. I had known deep down, so long before- but I believed him- and I believed in him and that is what I need to forgive myself for- for letting it happen- for loving him anyways.
I am going to be happy- I read somewhere that if you pretend to smile- it will release chemicals in your brain to make you think you are happy, so then you feel happy- backwards, but if it works this can too. I am going to act like we are perfect together, treat him like the partner I always wanted and hope that it works backwards and he becomes the partner I always wanted and we do become perfect together- or at least happy together.
If anything- it is easier than trying to watch him like a hawk, in hopes of seeing it sooner the next time he cheats-
