My introduction and plan

My new year’s resolution is to start a blog, and if I can keep up with the first one then I will start a second one, one that I will put my name on. But this one is not going to have a name attached. I live in a foreign country- I just moved here from a different foreign country, and I don’t know anyone, do not have a job and am trying to make it work with a boyfriend that has broken my heart recently and who isn’t much of talker anyways. All in all I am very very alone and I need an outlet. This, I hope will fill the purposes I need it to.

The plans for this year off work were to travel, diving and trekking as a main goal, and do my Master’s Degree in Sexual Education. None of that is going to happen. The university cancelled the program so that is off the table and my boyfriend of two years turned to be cheating on me in multiple ways but I am attempting to work through it with him- so I have no trust in him and need to be around to work it out so I am not traveling much either. This all sounds so awful once you put it up on the screen- no wonder I have felt so horrid the last 3 months, and not that great even before that.

This year so far will include some diving and lots of trips to the gym and self-reflection. I want to get my dive masters and go back to Nepal and get fit again. I want to get back to volunteering and being happy more often. I was someone who was innately happy- always glowing with a smile and able to find the silver lining in things- I need to get back to that. I have been through so much rough stuff in my life- I have survived and was happy to be "a survivor," but I am done with that now. I am done with “everything is going to be fine.” I want more than "fine," I want good, and happy and even great. I am always “fine,” I always have been at least “fine” but I know I can be more- I was more, and I will be again.

I will make a difference in my own life this year, I will fight for me and what is best for me. I can fight for others- i do it well; my students, my friends, ex-boyfriends, family- but 2011 I will fight for me. I will wade through all the thoughts I have been avoiding and go out and find my happiness and make it mine again.

I will probably ramble about being lonely, about relationships and love and family and friends and beauty and illness, video games and diving, sex and frustration and drinking and more sex and dancing and every now and then add in some lame poetry and a few gems here and there too I hope. Aims and challenges, fears and hopes and rantings and ravings and some soft-core erotic short stories and travel yarns.  More than anything I will get out all that muddles my mind and somehow find clarity of thought again, and happiness.

Here is my canvas- no paint to cover it- every scratch, every tear dropped, every torn edge and dirt smudge. This is me- no censor no falter. I always thought I looked better naked anyways.