She haunts me

She haunts me

I can’t sleep. It is 4am and I am having another bout of anxiety. This time it was brought on by MSN Messenger pictures. It all started with his new phone- a Windows 7 very expensive phone- that collects all your digital info and centralizes it to the phone. While playing with it- and by playing with it I mean snooping through it- I have developed a very unhealthy obsession with snooping- I saw pics of the girl he cheated on me with, and contact info for another girl he cheated on me with- and pictures of his exgirlfriends and it struck a rather large nerve that is still really raw from the revelation of all this cheating which occured only three months ago (to the day).

The pictures were from his MSN messenger account- well, one of them, and he said he uploaded lots of pictures for safe keeping and that they were all private. But they are not- and that is what I am tumbling through my head on this sleepless night. Why did he make all his albums without us together public and all the ones of us together for just me and “others” to see? I don’t know who the “others” are and I made a new year’s resolution to stop asking him untrusting questions. But insomnia has again ensued, as it does now that my confidence has been so shattered.  Why keep us still hidden? I know he used messenger to have online relationships and keep real relationships going, but it is all over now he says- so why keep the “us” pictures hidden still?

I really don’t think I will get over this. I compare myself to them every day, I wonder what they have I don’t and what I am not giving him that he needs. I wonder who he really is because the last two years have all been lies, and all the good bits have been tainted. And all the memories hurt. I have lost a lot of confidence in myself- I had known something was up from very early on, but I let him convince me it was all in my head. Now I don’t know what to believe anymore- or when to believe myself. I hurt so much that even the good days are scary- I can’t be happy without wondering if it is all a ploy- another lie.

His new year’s resolution was to make he feel loved. And he has said he would never cheat again. But he never confessed to anything- he lied to my face about it after I found out for hours before finally saying yes. I don’t know how to believe him now. He is not romantic- he has his moments- but in general does not find the right words when he needs to. I asked him to be honest and he has been. He does not believe in monogamy- something he has come up with since he started cheating, and he knows I want monogamy- and he says he wants to be with me- so he will not cheat… again. But he also has said, though he says he worded it wrong, that I am only “enough for now” which was in response to a question about how he is doing with only one girl fawning over him, namely me. I swear he takes every opportunity to dissuade me to be with him.

He didn’t get me a Christmas gift. Days after Christmas, after I got a bit upset he took me shopping for jeans and was wonderful about it- but the whole thing still hurt because he had not even decided to do that until days later. It was an opportunity to show if he cared. Here we are in a forein country, alone, I was not invited to his Christmas party for work, have no one around for Christmas, and not even a phone to call my mom on- and he did nothing to make that day special or easier- even after all the heart ach he has caused. I had gone out of my way to make it special for him- not with big gifts but with things he had mentioned he needed or that would make life easier. I want the hurt to go away- and I want him to try to help make it go away.  

Why would anyone hurt someone this much?

And the corny horrible poetry starts now… sorry

My bowl

I gave you my heart in a wooden bowl, so tattered,

Knowing it was not gold, but that it mattered.

I laid it at your feet so that you could see,

It wasn’t much, but it was all of me.

Your heart was held high above your head,

On a silver platter, away from all dread.

Standing so tall and confident- I wanted that vitality.

So steady and strong- I needed that modality.

Then the lowly bowl at your feet was forgotten   

It could not be seen through all that was wanton.

For her my heart was easily forsaken.

For her my confidence was left so shaken.

Now I look at your heart, so safe up there, unaffected,

Mine at your feet, opened, kicked and neglected.

You will never need to worry or be emotionally connected,

With your heart so far away, closed and protected.

My little heart in a wooden bowl, so spattered,

Because of you is not broken but shattered.

But no matter how much it has been battered and bruised,

I am so proud to know my little heart has been used.