Sunday, April 24, 2011

Fuck it- i am going to feel better

 
Ok, so like every other thing I have attempted to decide to do- I failed at blogging as well, again. I really wish… fuck this- no more wishing, or sucking… I really need to change things up. I need to fix me up and move the fuck on with my life.

I am a broken human.
I have a lot of hurt inside me.
I have a lot of anger inside me.
I find forgiveness without understanding difficult.

I will mend
I will move past the hurt
I will release or appease the anger
I will forgive myself first- then try to forgive others

I am going to settle down, with both feet and mind- here with him, not half way out the door, scared to be hurt again if I relax and not watch everything. I am going to relax. I decided to stay. I decided to believe he could be different. I probably should have just ended it then- the moment I found out for sure, but I didn’t. So I am here now, and I am going to have to sleep in the bed I made.

He cheated on me and I knew it in my heart, I had seen the instant messages, seen them deleted or closed so quickly, watched him be shifty and aggressive over his very important privacy. I had known deep down, so long before- but I believed him- and I believed in him and that is what I need to forgive myself for- for letting it happen- for loving him anyways.

I am going to be happy- I read somewhere that if you pretend to smile- it will release chemicals in your brain to make you think you are happy, so then you feel happy- backwards, but if it works this can too. I am going to act like we are perfect together, treat him like the partner I always wanted and hope that it works backwards and he becomes the partner I always wanted and we do become perfect together- or at least happy together.

If anything- it is easier than trying to watch him like a hawk, in hopes of seeing it sooner the next time he cheats-

Monday, January 3, 2011

these are not mine- they came from an article but i like it... i am going to follow this and ask him too to, i think... or try:)

--Sever contact with the third party. If necessary, take steps toward
changing jobs, schools and cities.
--Be patient. Most people think you can forgive and forget, but rebuilding
trust takes time. It is rare to completely recover from the emotional
impact in less than two years.
--The person who had the affair must always answer questions from the
spouse about the infidelity. It is the willingness to answer questions that
diminishes the need to know.
--Don't punish for the answers you get. You asked.
--Commit to responsible honesty. Unlike monogamy, you can monitor honesty
that is for the purpose of strengthening a bond and rebuilding trust.

Sunday, January 2, 2011

She haunts me

She haunts me

I can’t sleep. It is 4am and I am having another bout of anxiety. This time it was brought on by MSN Messenger pictures. It all started with his new phone- a Windows 7 very expensive phone- that collects all your digital info and centralizes it to the phone. While playing with it- and by playing with it I mean snooping through it- I have developed a very unhealthy obsession with snooping- I saw pics of the girl he cheated on me with, and contact info for another girl he cheated on me with- and pictures of his exgirlfriends and it struck a rather large nerve that is still really raw from the revelation of all this cheating which occured only three months ago (to the day).
The pictures were from his MSN messenger account- well, one of them, and he said he uploaded lots of pictures for safe keeping and that they were all private. But they are not- and that is what I am tumbling through my head on this sleepless night. Why did he make all his albums without us together public and all the ones of us together for just me and “others” to see? I don’t know who the “others” are and I made a new year’s resolution to stop asking him untrusting questions. But insomnia has again ensued, as it does now that my confidence has been so shattered.  Why keep us still hidden? I know he used messenger to have online relationships and keep real relationships going, but it is all over now he says- so why keep the “us” pictures hidden still?
I really don’t think I will get over this. I compare myself to them every day, I wonder what they have I don’t and what I am not giving him that he needs. I wonder who he really is because the last two years have all been lies, and all the good bits have been tainted. And all the memories hurt. I have lost a lot of confidence in myself- I had known something was up from very early on, but I let him convince me it was all in my head. Now I don’t know what to believe anymore- or when to believe myself. I hurt so much that even the good days are scary- I can’t be happy without wondering if it is all a ploy- another lie.
His new year’s resolution was to make he feel loved. And he has said he would never cheat again. But he never confessed to anything- he lied to my face about it after I found out for hours before finally saying yes. I don’t know how to believe him now. He is not romantic- he has his moments- but in general does not find the right words when he needs to. I asked him to be honest and he has been. He does not believe in monogamy- something he has come up with since he started cheating, and he knows I want monogamy- and he says he wants to be with me- so he will not cheat… again. But he also has said, though he says he worded it wrong, that I am only “enough for now” which was in response to a question about how he is doing with only one girl fawning over him, namely me. I swear he takes every opportunity to dissuade me to be with him.
He didn’t get me a Christmas gift. Days after Christmas, after I got a bit upset he took me shopping for jeans and was wonderful about it- but the whole thing still hurt because he had not even decided to do that until days later. It was an opportunity to show if he cared. Here we are in a forein country, alone, I was not invited to his Christmas party for work, have no one around for Christmas, and not even a phone to call my mom on- and he did nothing to make that day special or easier- even after all the heart ach he has caused. I had gone out of my way to make it special for him- not with big gifts but with things he had mentioned he needed or that would make life easier. I want the hurt to go away- and I want him to try to help make it go away.  
Why would anyone hurt someone this much?
And the corny horrible poetry starts now… sorry
My bowl
I gave you my heart in a wooden bowl, so tattered,
Knowing it was not gold, but that it mattered.
I laid it at your feet so that you could see,
It wasn’t much, but it was all of me.

Your heart was held high above your head,
On a silver platter, away from all dread.
Standing so tall and confident- I wanted that vitality.
So steady and strong- I needed that modality.

Then the lowly bowl at your feet was forgotten   
It could not be seen through all that was wanton.
For her my heart was easily forsaken.
For her my confidence was left so shaken.
Now I look at your heart, so safe up there, unaffected,
Mine at your feet, opened, kicked and neglected.
You will never need to worry or be emotionally connected,
With your heart so far away, closed and protected.

My little heart in a wooden bowl, so spattered,
Because of you is not broken but shattered.
But no matter how much it has been battered and bruised,
I am so proud to know my little heart has been used.   



Saturday, January 1, 2011

My introduction and plan

My new year’s resolution is to start a blog, and if I can keep up with the first one then I will start a second one, one that I will put my name on. But this one is not going to have a name attached. I live in a foreign country- I just moved here from a different foreign country, and I don’t know anyone, do not have a job and am trying to make it work with a boyfriend that has broken my heart recently and who isn’t much of talker anyways. All in all I am very very alone and I need an outlet. This, I hope will fill the purposes I need it to.
The plans for this year off work were to travel, diving and trekking as a main goal, and do my Master’s Degree in Sexual Education. None of that is going to happen. The university cancelled the program so that is off the table and my boyfriend of two years turned to be cheating on me in multiple ways but I am attempting to work through it with him- so I have no trust in him and need to be around to work it out so I am not traveling much either. This all sounds so awful once you put it up on the screen- no wonder I have felt so horrid the last 3 months, and not that great even before that.
This year so far will include some diving and lots of trips to the gym and self-reflection. I want to get my dive masters and go back to Nepal and get fit again. I want to get back to volunteering and being happy more often. I was someone who was innately happy- always glowing with a smile and able to find the silver lining in things- I need to get back to that. I have been through so much rough stuff in my life- I have survived and was happy to be "a survivor," but I am done with that now. I am done with “everything is going to be fine.” I want more than "fine," I want good, and happy and even great. I am always “fine,” I always have been at least “fine” but I know I can be more- I was more, and I will be again.
I will make a difference in my own life this year, I will fight for me and what is best for me. I can fight for others- i do it well; my students, my friends, ex-boyfriends, family- but 2011 I will fight for me. I will wade through all the thoughts I have been avoiding and go out and find my happiness and make it mine again.
I will probably ramble about being lonely, about relationships and love and family and friends and beauty and illness, video games and diving, sex and frustration and drinking and more sex and dancing and every now and then add in some lame poetry and a few gems here and there too I hope. Aims and challenges, fears and hopes and rantings and ravings and some soft-core erotic short stories and travel yarns.  More than anything I will get out all that muddles my mind and somehow find clarity of thought again, and happiness.
Here is my canvas- no paint to cover it- every scratch, every tear dropped, every torn edge and dirt smudge. This is me- no censor no falter. I always thought I looked better naked anyways.